Schools absolutely hold a great responsibility to aid children with bullying problems. Unfortunately, there are some districts whose administrators who don't view bullying as a serious issue (I know of one superintendent who stated, "If our principals had to handle every bullying incident, that's all they'd get done. Nobody has that kind of time-kids will be kids."
Of course, this superintendent was a bully himself and the people with whom he surrounded himself were also bullies (absent the assistant superintendent who is a wonderful person and is now the superintendent).
As vigilent as some teachers and I tried to be we just didn't see so many bullying episodes that were quite severe. Most children are very adept at hiding their bullying and keeping it out of sight of their school staff. We had to rely on students being able to anonymously report problems and noticing classroom behaviors that signaled a problem. Below are links to websites listing behaviors we should all notice:
http://www.cyberrecovery.net/forums/archive/index.php?t-6410.html
http://pediatrics.about.com/library/quiz/blquiz_bullied_scng.htm
http://www.kidlaw.org/admin.asp?uri=2081&action=15&di=1157&ext=pdf&view=yes
So, what should you do if you've talked to the teacher or other school personnel but you believe your child's problem is persisting?
1) Don't stop talking. BE CONSISTENT. The squeaky wheel will get the oil. HOWEVER, be aware of your tone and manner of your conversations. As with most requests or complaints, you will get farther if you're nice. Offer to lend a hand. Ask what you can do. Begin with explaining what good things are happening to your child at school and what you and your child appreciate.
2) Consistency not working? BAND TOGETHER with a few other parents whose child seems to be having the same difficulty as yours. Let these other parents what you've tried to do so far and solicit opinions from them about what further action may be appropriate and what each is willing to do. AGAIN, BE PERSISTENT. Erosion can take a long time but just like the strongest rock eventually gives way to the drops of water, the most resistent staff and administrators will give way to consistent pressure (again, given in a respectful way).
Perhaps you could take turns volunteering at the school to be extra ears and eyes at recesses, lunches and times when students are not in structured classrooms. Most of us more than welcome the help!
3) If your efforts are falling on deaf ears at the school, travel up the chain of command maintaining a respectful but firm tone. Keep your group in tact.
4) Your local school board is usually the highest level in a chain of command. If you have to go there, do but it should be your last ditch effort.
DOCUMENT EVERY MEETING AND CONVERSATION!! Note time, date, subject, response and names. If you have to travel up the chain of command you will have all pertinent information and there can be no uncertainty. I've found it helpful to review your notes with the party to whom you are speaking and have him/her/them sign off on what you've written as well. This assures all parties that you are maintaining an objective log and won't put them on the defensive.
In effect, the school is acting in the role of parent when children are entrusted to their care for instruction. While no school is perfect, some are far better at preventing and dealing with bullies than are others. Be proactive and suggest ways that you and others may be able to help.
Please remember: Education of ALL, parents, teachers, students, admin., is crucial. Make sure that the school's consequence action involves education and restitution-not just punishment. In the long run, everyone will benefit from a stronger program.
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3 comments:
Great post today. I was bullied by some girls in Junior High. After some time, I talked to my parents about it. We discussed my perception about the other girls backgrounds and how what the other kids were doing could be coming from a place of insecurity. However, when it persisted, they contacted my teacher and administrator directly and arranged an in person meeting. It was awkward meeting between the parents, girls, and an administrator, and the bullying stopped immediately. We never became friends, but we learned to be civil and respectful after their intervention.
As a child, there were a few occasions where I was guilty of being a bully. And in my home, there were always consequences for that type of behavior. My parents insisted that I write, hand-deliver, and read an apology to the other child in the presence of her parent. Privately, my parents also asked me to put myself in the other child's shoes and to take several minutes to explain in detail how the things I said might have hurt the feelings of the child and her parent. It was difficult, but I believe necessary life lesson. When we say and do things that are hurtful, there are emotional consequences for others.
I don't have children myself, but I'm a strong believer that children should be taught to comprehend the impact of their actions in a way that is direct and fair. Bullying is serious, and should not be ignored by parents, teachers, and administrators.
I was bullied as a child, more by boys - primarily my brothers - but socially by girls too as time went on. Then as I got older I became one. Mastery is the psychological term for that. Both a way of protecting yourself and dealing with your own trauma.
Anyway, my daughter has been dealing with a bullying episode, and that is the main reason I don't want her to "handle it on her own." Let her "toughen up" or whatever, as I think my parents thought it was best to do. Letting the child handle it on their own usually ends in one or the other, the child becomes a "victim" or an "aggressor".
It is for this reason the schools should get more involved. It isn't just a safety issue, it is a development issue as well. At my daughters school, the guidance counselor gets involved, and I think this is an appropriate response. Also the earlier an adult intervenes (on behalf of both the person being bullied and the bully) the better chance they have of preventing further maladaptive and oftentimes dangerous behaviors.
I don't think I ever saw myself as a bully in high school, truth be told I think I was probably more scared than anything, using my "toughness" as a shield, though I think mostly I felt numb and not really connected or in control. It wasn't until adulthood that I realized it from former classmates, and was shocked to find they were still afraid of me. And it wasn't a good feeling. Not at all.
I'm glad there are smart people like you to step in and discuss and try to handle this issue in an intelligent fashion. A school board near me just had a bit of an uproar over the issue of adding sexual orientation as one of the "protected classes" in their bullying policies. People were vehemently against it because they claimed it was "promoting the homosexual agenda". Ridiculous!
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