Schools have a tremendous responsibility concerning monitoring and immediately dealing with bullying issues.
One technique that has worked very well with me concerning my children at home and my children at school is taken from Glasser's "Choice Theory and Reality Therapy".
Now, it's not that the adults want "control" of the children but we want children to have control of themselves. The technique that I practiced (and still do even though my kids are 17 and 20) goes something like this:
Child chooses inappropriate behavior.
(NOTICE I used the word, "chooses".) Choosing is the key here. You want to emphasize at all times, that we all have choices and when we choose one over the other we choose the consequence that goes with it.
Adult has a calm(ish) discussion with the child:
"What behavior did you choose?"
Do not allow the child to discuss anyone else's behavior no matter what. (You may want to state that rule at the very beginning if the child is not used to this manner of discussion.)
Repeat this question over and over again until the child is willing to discuss his/her behavior only. Never raise your voice and remind the child that he/she ONLY has control over him/herself.
Next question:
- What were you trying to do?
- How were you feeling and what was your goal?>What did you want to have happen ?
- What actually happened? (focus mainly on the actions of the child you're counseling)
- Did you get what you wanted? Why do you believe you did or didn't achieve your goal?
- Did you choose a good or unpleasant consequence for you? other child?
- Why do you think your action would have an unpleasant consequence?
- How do you believe your behavior impacted the feelings of the other child(ren)?
- (Again, have the child talk ONLY about his/her actions and no discussions of the others involved.
- Help the child maintain the use of the word "choose". This emphasizes that the child always has the choice and control of every action.
- How do you want to be perceived by others? Did this choice help or hurt your trying to create that impression of yourself? Why?
- What were your other choices? (You may help the child brainstorm here if he/she is not accustomed to this kind of discussion.)
- What do you envision as being the consequence you would be choosing for each of those actions?
- For which choices would you also be choosing a good consequence while achieving your goal?
- For which choices would you also be choosing an unpleasant consequence while trying to achieve your goal.
- If this happens again, which behavior will you choose? Why?
Through this line of questioning you are teaching a strong lesson of behavior/consequence and, hopefully, empathy. You are assigning responsibility of the behavior AND the consequence to the child.
You will be surprised at the outcome of most of these conversations. They tend do quickly deescalate and calm the situation. The child is learning about choices and thinking before acting.
Finally, the offending child is asked to make RESTITUTION (A NATURAL CONSEQUENCE) to the other student. This part is critical. Forcing students to apologize does nothing. Students will apologize whether or not they mean what they're saying. Restitution guides the child to understand the feelings of the other and create a way to make the situation better.
Let's say Student A is grabbing a pencil from Student B. Student B resists and Student A ends up breaking the pencil, rendering it unusable.
What would be a reasonable consequence and restitution? Giving Student B Student A's pencil or having Student A bring a new pencil the next day as a replacement. (Remember, you're also discussing the feelings of Student B.) It is best to get student B involved by telling Student A:"When you grabbed my pencil I felt ___________ because______. When you broke my pencil, I felt ___________ because __________." Encourage Student B to remain calm and talk only about his/her feelings. This kind of discussion will help both students learn that there are people on the back end of our actions and they have feelings.
It is important to teach this interaction at the beginning of the year. Role playing is an extremely effective way to teach and learn. Students may even direct the questioning and discussion between peers in these simulations, reinforcing what they've learned. Taking the time to teach this well at the beginning of the year will save a lot of time for the rest of the year.This kind of discussion is time consuming, especially at the beginning, so it's OK to postpone it for a break during the day. If the children are old enough, they may be given a paper with the questions written on them so that they can also get somewhat calmer as they wait to discuss the incident with an adult.
Articles about Choice Theory and Reality Therapy. Further information is available by searching, "Glasser Choice Theory" and "Glasser Reality Therapy"http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Choice_theory
http://www.angelfire.com/ab/brightminds/
anticdote:
My mother babysat my children when they were preschoolers. She and I both practiced the above with my children. On a particularly hectic day of conducting boring errands my mother commented to David, "Wow! This is a boring day. We're doing so many things that aren't fun but you're being so pleasant!"
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David responded, "Of course I am, Grandma. I got plenty of rest and I'm CHOOSING good behavior!" He was 3.
How do you teach your child to deal with school bullies?
How were you taught to handle bullies?
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