Bullying-How Do Children Learn NOT to Bully?

The first place children learn is at home. Since they're immobile, they have little choice... My daughter taught me that lesson when she was very very young. She was an extremely early talker so I should have known to be more cognizant of my personal language. I was driving (Of course. There are laws against the other configuration.) when I was quite startled by a car that appeared out of absolutely nowhere. From the back seat I heard her sweet little voice, "OH F***, right, Mommy?" Now THAT is what nearly caused me to crash the car!

Children are little bundles of eyes and ears. They watch everything we say and do. Are we compassionate? Are we critical? Do we treat others kindly and respectfully? Are we rude? Are we generous with our acceptance and caring or are we selfish? You get the idea. Whatever the answer, our children learn from us how to treat others.

That's not to say that every breath and move our children take is a reflection of us. They are individuals and they will take missteps along the way as do we all. Sometimes our children will do things that take our breath away in wonder and amazement and other times when they take our breath away like someone just sucker-punched us in the intestines!

I felt like the latter one day upon finding my children, under the direction of a neighbor child, mocking, chiding and laughing at the mentally challenged boy living next door! We had lived next door to this delightful boy for quite awhile and I was aghast at what I saw. I immediately called them away, explained why I was angry, sent the neighbor boy home and took my children inside.

We discussed the behavior I had witnessed, role-played someone doing the same to them, discussed their feelings and how Sean must have felt. Each of my children wrote an apology note (dictated, really) then invited Sean to play. It never happened again. In fact, my children would come home in quite a state of indignation from that point forward when they witnessed bullying by others. At times, there were tales of their stepping in. Now, that was breathlessness of awe and wonder! Did they ever bully again? Not when I was around. No reports from school or other parents. I hope the answer is "no".

Capitolagirl's parents led her by the hand to personally apologize to children whom she bullied AND she apologized to the student in front of the student's parents! They also discussed with her the feelings of the other student and TAUGHT her why what she was doing was wrong. She learned a lesson in a thoughtful intelligent way. I'm guessing that she will, if she has children, teach them in a similar way.

For me, I learned from my mother. The memory that had the greatest impact on me was how my mother took in the children who were being bullied in my class. I was told to invite them to our house-I did. I got to know them. In some instances, it changed my opinion of these children in others it confirmed it. Back to Myra, mentioned in an earlier post, my mom invited her to our house. I was instructed to go along with the act that my mother was weeding out my clothes because the items that she "weeded" from me were given to Myra. My mother also plotted with the school to have Myra's eyes checked and to purchase glasses under the guise that a school organization was funding the whole thing. In reality, it was my mom. More notable when you know that we were so poor, we couldn't even afford carpet in our house. We had patches of remnants and there were times when we ate more tuna noodle casserole than anyone should eat in a lifetime.

We can't control our children's every move and sometimes they do things that seem to have come from thin air and crush us. What we do and how we react to their actions (good and bad) may help shape who they are in the future. When there are transgressions, teach them empathy and restitution. NOTICE when your children are kind-give them lots of attention for their kindness. Discuss how their actions may have made the difference in a life. Develop empathy.