Bullying-Where Do Children Learn This Behavior?

To some degree, bullying is a part of our primal beginnings. In nature it is not uncommon for animals to bully and even kill weaker animals--whether they're solitary or herd animals. Monkeys, chimps and apes bully others born with defects or animals that are weaker. It's how leaders emerge and is all a part of the ancient "survival of the fittest" plan which makes the perpetuation of a species much more likely.

Humans, some would argue, no longer are slave to that notion. We're evolved and can think beyond a person's weakness or difference, right?

Wrong, in my opinion. It's pretty natural to want to stare at someone with obvious physical differences. When my parents took my children for a tour of China (left me behind, thank you very much) my Caucasian, blond haired, son was quite an attraction. It seemed that EVERYONE wanted to stroke his head and felt compelled to do so. (I still say if my mother had charged $!.00 per pet that trip could have been paid for...) At one point he was surrounded by women in a market stroking his hair and couldn't get out of the circle. He was 8 and he was terrified! Admiringly petting his head was, by no means, an act of bullying but it underscores our fascination with differences. Young children, much to their parent's chagrin, will stare, point and will much too loudly comment or inquire about the individual who is different. Our fascination with oddities begins almost immediately when we learn what is "normal" for us and continues throughout most of our lives.

At what point though, do we learn to believe that it is OK to go beyond noticing? When does it become OK to us to bully, harass, hurt the weak and the different? Remember, we are supposed to be evolved and exhibit behaviors that demonstrate our superiority over primates and other supposedly "lesser" species.

I believe we learn at our parent's knee. One of my favorite poems is "Children Learn What They Live" http://www.joyfulministry.com/learnt.htm While I hope very few parents frequent playgrounds and school yards to pick on or ostracize children, I believe most of us (even I) are guilty of making disparaging comments about others in front of our children. That alone teaches our children that it is OK to condemn and think less of others. Some folks are guilty of bullying in front of their children. (Have you attended a child's sporting event lately?) http://youthsports.rutgers.edu/resources/general-interest/parental-violence-in-youth-sports-facts-myths-and-videotape

We, as parents and adults need to realize that if we want to begin a change in the school yard we need to start with a change in the person we see in the mirror. What are children in your life learning about compassion, acceptance, caring and respect? How do they see YOU demonstrating these character traits? THAT'S WHAT THEY ARE LEARNING no matter what you are saying.

What did you learn about compassion vs. bullying as a child and how did you learn it ?
In my next post, I will explore one story from a reader and some lessons my children and I have learned and how.

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