Did I Bully?

I remember, as a child, several of the kids in my class who were bullied. There was Laurie F. in second grade. Since I was new to the school then I didn't understand why kids didn't like her. I remember feeling saddened by some things that were said and done against her. I don't remember her after second grade. I wonder if she moved away?

I remember another girl who was mercilessly bullied. Her name was Beverly M. She had to wear very old-fashioned button-up shoes because something was wrong with her feet. I remember our principal, Mr. Mendiola, coming to our classroom one day after recess and begging us to be kind to her. (She was in the office crying after a traumatic time that day of being tormented.)

I remember Janie T. She wasn't the best looking girl in the world but she was nice. I liked her and I played with her at recess. Her mom was the lunch playground monitor and she was very overweight. Kids made horrible fun of her. That made me feel bad.

I remember a girl named Linda C. Recesses were such a source of dread. She was a very shy girl and didn't have many friends so there were few, if any, allies out n the playground. I hated recess every day, three times a day for that reason.

I remember a girl named Myra whom I defended and befriended. She was picked on because her tongue was too big for her mouth and her speech was different. She also had some "different" behaviors and worn old dingy clothes. We were not by any means financially well off but, when I told my mom about Myra, she invited Myra over and pretended that she was "cleaning my closet" and gave Myra many pieces of my clothing. I didn't mind. She also took Myra to the eye doctor and bought her some eye glasses. I befriended her but that caused more people to torment me too. Oh well.

Years later, remembering Myra and understanding more about the world, I realized, to my horror, that Myra's behaviors and "issues" were strong indications that she was being sexually molested by her alcoholic father. If only we were more aware in those days.

I remember a boy, in 6th grade who had some kind of learning problem. Kids were even physically bullying him. I remember standing up for him and kind of sticking with him because I couldn't bear to see what was being done to him. Again, this caused me to endure even more humiliation at the hands of some classmates who already seemed to have a lifetime of ways to pick on me but I couldn't leave him alone when he was so vulnerable.

NOW, the part of my story that causes me sadness and regret is this: Doug developed quite a crush on me. Teachers sat us next to one another in classes, I had to be his dance partner in gym class and suddenly I seemed to become his "partner" whether or not I wanted to be. For whatever reason, this was more than my 11 year-old mind could handle. I was mortified and daily searched for ways to make him not love me anymore. One day, sitting next to him in math class, I took my very pointy compass and jabbed him heartily in the leg. THERE! That would surely do it!

I don't remember if it did or not but I do remember feeling more than my share of guilt and that haunts me even today.

Was I a bully? I hope not. I'm sure that over the years, I did say something nasty to someone along the way but I was bullied so much that I just didn't want to do the same to others.

If I did bully anyone, I'd sure like them to know how sorry I am. As a teacher, I've seen first hand the effects of bullying on children. It is not harmless, I don't believe it makes anyone stronger-hardened maybe but scarred, definitely.

I really am so very, very sorry.