Bullying-Do We Pay Attention? K-5

I truly believe that most, if not all children, are guilty of bullying someone at some point in time. There are times when our children initiate the act and times when they are joining in with others who are bullying. Especially problematic are the "gossip sessions" where student "A" confides in "B" that "C" said something about "D" and the next thing you know it seems like everyone in the WORLD (almost literally-enter the Internet) knows some version of the atrocity that "C" has committed and "C" subsequently incurs the wrath of the world for something that most likely never occurred.

Well, you've been at work or at home all day long. How are YOU supposed to know about this? Why are YOU responsible for some childhood "right of passage" that "everyone has to endure"? In my opinion as a parent and a long-time teacher, it is the job of a parent to know as much as possible.

First, have you noticed a change in your child's behavior? Quiet? Withdrawn? doesn't like school when there was no previous history of school phobia? Doesn't get calls? Isn't invited to other student's houses? While none of these isolated behaviors are a clear indication that a child is BEING bullied, they can be huge red flags. BUT you have to be present in your child's life to notice when the signals appear. You need to have conversations and LISTEN. (Family dinners with no television are a great time for this kind of interaction.) Another great time to talk is while you're together in a car. NO RADIO. Ask questions like, "Who is your best friend at school?, Who do you like at school and why? , Is there anyone you don't like at school?, Why?, Tell me about lunch time. , Tell me about recess time., What do you do?, With whom do you play?" Tell stories of your childhood and experiences. Doing so can be a great ice breaker. Ask a question then tell YOUR answer.

When children are young if you hear tales of possible bullying after talking to your child or listening to some interaction that alerts you, call the teacher or guidance counselor at school to schedule a conference. Go in ASKING for clarification. DON'T GO IN WITH GUNS A BLAZIN'! In fact, ask a lot of questions (using the above questions, for example, rephrased as an inquiry about your child). Be willing to realize that your child may have a part in what's going on. Maybe there's some antagonizing?

Inquire about programs in place at the school which are designed to PREVENT bullying. It is far better to be proactive than reactive. If there is no such thing offer your services (whatever you can do) that may aid in beginning a program. ASK. Ask how you can help. You are more likely to get much more help if you are not confrontational. If you go in blasting the school, the personnel and everyone who LOOKS like the personnel, everyone is likely to be upset and you are unlikely to obtain the help you need.

If you have parents with whom you communicate, inquire with them about their child's experiences. You may gain an entirely different perspective.

In the meantime, keep talking to your child. This is a great time for a lesson. Ask a lot of questions: "Why do you think that happens?, What are some ways you could react? What might happen if you took that course of action?" Sometimes playing a game of sorts helps draw children out. "Well, if you dyed your hair green and painted your face orange, what might happen?" Work your way into a more serious discussion. Your child will learn so many skills by following this format. First, it's important to talk about problems. One doesn't have to be alone. When many people are contributing to ideas, it is often easier to find a solution. There are many options of behavior choice and each choice has a consequence. Choosing your own behaviors often dictates the chosen consequences.

If you learn that YOUR child is part of the problem, LISTEN! Our children make mistakes. No time like now to learn about more chosen consequences to chosen behaviors. (Continue to use the word choose. That one simple word is very powerful. It takes away the "punisher" roll and emphasizes that behaviors have consequences. They always will.)

Continue to talk calmly with your child about what your child is doing, why he or she is choosing that behavor, the consequences for others brought about by his/her actons (develop empathy). ENFORCE CONSEQUENCES! Punishment such as grounding is probably O.K. but it's far more important to have your child "pay" restitution.

A comment left on an earlier post outlined how the writer's parents would lead her to talk to the child she bullied along with the child's PARENTS, acknowledging her behavior and apologizing to all. (BRAVO TO YOUR PARENTS!!!!!!!!!! Parents who cared not only for your integrity and social responsibility but also for the feelings of the other child.) A heartfelt apology along with an acknowledgement of awareness of the other's feelings can go a long way towards healing the injured party. I would suggest one further action: restitution. One simple thoughtful action designed to fill in the void of the unkind act. This restitution needs to be true in deed and feeling. It takes some thinking but a very good thinking that forces a child to think of others as people with feelings, needs and more like themselves than different.

If your child has Internet access know the passwords and check the accounts--OFTEN. You are NOT violating privacy. IT IS YOUR HOME, YOUR COMPUTER, YOUR CHILD FOR WHOM YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE! If necessary, install keystroke software that will record everything that happens on the computer. You can check it at your leisure but be sure you check it! (You can also be alert to possible child predator situations this way as well.) It is our job to know what our children are doing. You can tell your child ahead of time that this will be occurring. Your monitoring does not have to be subversive. It's probably better if it is not a secret. Betraying trust can create a whole slew of other problems that are very long lasting. The truth is, the Internet creates a sense of anonymity that can evoke unimaginable cruelness (unfortunately this is true even with adults). It is also our job to protect our children. Knowing your child's computer activities protects more than you might believe.

Childhood bullying does occurr. We can't pretend it doesn't. There is a great chance that at some point or another our children, each and every one will be involved with bullying in one way or another. We are negligent in our duty as parents when we choose not to pay attention. By choosing to ignore or pretend that there is never a problem, we choose to perhaps inflict permanent psychological damage either by leaving a child alone to endure torture at the hands of classmates or by allowing a child's behavior to go on unimpeded giving the message that bullying is acceptable.

Pay attention

Listen

Schedule time

Spend time

TALK

SUPPORT

Plan

Be an advocate! Talk to other parents and/or school personnel. GET THE FACTS. Try to HELP.

Help a child.