Building a Child's Self-Esteem Part II

You may want to take a seat because I'm about to tell you something for which you may not be prepared. Kids want to be in control of their lives. (I do hope you were sitting down.) They start learning to exert control as soon as they figure out that if they cry, someone will come. every time

Next, they begin to talk and the best word they know is, "NO". They use it for every response to every question, every time. "Do you want to go to the playground?" "no" "Do you want to have a huge bowl of candy?" "no" You get the picture. They realize that they don't HAVE to say "yes" all the time and if they can't have their way well, there's sometimes you-know-what to pay. My mother babysat my children on the 4 days/week I taught. My step-dad and she would take the kids to the dollar store just to buy some toy then they'd go to another store and, since they were there, they'd get another toy. It really came as no surprise to my daughter's dad and me one day when our family was at a store and my daughter asked for a toy. We said THE "N" WORD! Looking somewhat dumbfounded because she was sure she'd misunderstood and she asked again. Our answer was the same. She understood. We knew she understood because she THREW herself to the floor screaming and crying and carrying on. We both just stood and watched her for a couple of minutes. My ex-husband turned to me and said, "We have one of THOSE children!" We unceremoniously picked her up and left the store then went home. It never happened again.

Why? Luck. Luck and the fact that she's a very smart person and the lesson she learned that day was that screaming would not get her a toy. There was no spanking, no shouting, no angry words-no words at all. When she calmed down, we explained to her why we'd left and that we'd leave any situation any time it happened again. Simple.

We also let our children choose almost everything. It's very simple to get what you want that way. If you want control over the clothing choices, take out 2 outfits that you'd approve and let your child pick which one to wear. No arguing. She thinks she's in charge but you know you are.

Sometimes it's not that easy. Sometimes we need to be a bit more clever. "Do you want to eat your broccoli or do you want to have your thumbs chopped off?" You know, something like that. My kids still have both of their thumbs. Sometimes it's a great idea to guide a discussion about natural consequences of each of the choices-choose to stop crying and choose to stay or choose to continue crying and choose to leave. You accomplish 2 things. You have relieved yourself of being the "punishment meanie" by making the consequences clear and also being clear that the chosen behavior has a set consequence. By choosing a behavior the child has also chosen a consequence. Be aware of your language and always use the word "choose".

This exercise backfired on my daughter one day. She was 3 and came to me with a mile-high stack of books wanting me to read them to her. We had to leave to go somewhere and I was getting ready so I told her we could read 2 or 3. "NO MOMMY! 5 BOOKS OR NO BOOKS!"

I couldn't help it..."no books".

Puzzled look.

"NO MOMMY! I said, 5 books or NO BOOKS!"

I was a TERRIBLE mom. "NO Books"

She started to cry. I've felt guilty ever since. I don't remember how we ended that but it was a clear sign that she was clear about choices. She just didn't have the finess to swing the choice her way. YET.

We all like to have control. Even now, as an adult, I always appreciate a choice. Maybe not ALWAYS. I don't necessarily count pay taxes or go to jail as a TRUE choice. As a teacher, I offered choices of reading materials, writing topics and formats. Students had to complete all assignments but they did have some control and, for the most part, were much more engaged in whatever they were doing. I guess we all are~when we have a choice.

Segue:

We have a choice, as consumers to choose new, recycled, repurposed, or used products. Please choose to reuse whenever possible. Your children will thank you as will their children for generations to come. We need to start exercising our choice to get what we need while giving the earth a little break at the same time. Behavior/Consequence